April 17, 2007

It occurs to me that I’m extremely moody.  But that’s not the part that bothers me, it’s when I get stuck in a social encounter when it hits – thereby appearing bipolar, bitchy, quiet, curt, etc.  Most often, if I can leave (when there’s more than 2 people), I will.  While this may seem the source (or rather, nullify any) of my bemoaning how people don’t really know me, I doubt it is so proximal.   I do, oddly enough, find solace in reading random blurbs about the commonness of depression, social-isolation, and appearing aloof amongst graduate students.  I’m pinning it on grad studies since otherwise, or concurrently, I’m yet another diagnosis (I won’t venture here today though).  However, this doesn’t so much help when I’m reading about it from some random student-dude’s blog, an interview by a Prof in Helsinki, or another demystifying and demoralizing psych study (with recommendations to be more social!).  Hmphh. Well, I’d started this before… and worried about it and then stopped.  But here I am again, nonchalantly dropping hints that there is indeed a me you don’t know.  Should you happen upon my notes and read and have a bit of beef, well say so!  Shall I begin?  Most recently (and related to facebook),… I have enormous feelings of guilty after I (in my head) pretentiously want to demand that college “post grads” or professional schools (e.g. law school, med school, etc.) do NOT count as grad school.  Not to burst your bubble, or perhaps it’s my bubble, but the point is… what I consider grad school requires intellectual inquiry and invention – not memorizing and then practicing till you nail it in some (albeit very difficult) final.  To our Canadian credit, our university is not the equivalent of most
US colleges… but understandably (thanks) most ppl put college b/c they do realize it’s closer than grad school. 
 On the topic of school, intellectual, prestige and all that Schnaz, if you really knew me – you’d understand the conflicted way I rant about this.  Unfortunately, one of you once asked me: “do you look down on the working class?”, thus making it screamingly and painfully obvious you don’t.  

Anyhow, expect more agitation soon… oh I’m full of it (ha!) J

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