2007 in review – phew!

January 5, 2008

i should beginning this last post of 2007 by admitting to acknowledging the immediacy of impending new year only by hapstance, which is indicative of the blur  the fervour to which i will now recount.  

as i concluded 2006, by completing grad studies at the university of toronto, there were few things that were certain: i knew my new bosses were driving me up the wall, and with fewer things on my plate (e.g. school), i no longer felt satisfied at my work; but would need to wait for admission or rejection letters before i could leave my financially stable post for the next career move, which i had yet to plan.

amidst 4 rejection letters, i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years.  it was certainly a liminal situation but armed with what i consider valuable advice, i set out to force-a-feeling.  that is, i tried (very hard) to allow myself six months to mourn my loss of academic and romantic dreams.  the intent during this time, was to spend time alone doing some “soul searching”, of which the implicit point was not to avoid thinking by other distractions (e.g. rebounds).  it seemed simple enough, although i did question – at the ripe old age of 26 – how adding another half year of singledom would help.  it was surprisingly difficult to instigate feelings though, it felt contradictory to what i normally did.  others noticed as well as i purposefully avoided social interaction, my brother noted my choice of sappy music, and indeed, i finally fullfledgedly moped.

i think i laughed and cried when, after bitching about the physical weight of a “no” in the the final letter of rejection which sat on my counter only half read for 2 weeks, i finally read it aloud, in its entirety. the rejection to the phd program came also with an offer of admission to an(other) masters program, for which i had ambivalent thoughts.  of course i was upset that i hadn’t gotten what i had originally wanted, but knew realistically that it was a far shot anyhow.  furthermore, i had a sneaking suspicion of the latent function of such a program: tuition grubbing by a well-known university.  at the same time, despite all my previous reservations, it seemed that committing to a second masters would not be lost time.  i was aware that my knowledge in social theory was lacking and sought to immerse myself in sociology en route to a doctorate program, which was promised in my research of the program to which i had been accepted.  in retrospect, perhaps i just didn’t want to plan for a year off.  as for the cost, i rationalized that one year of american tuition could be offset by my eventual, hoped for, funded offer of admission to a phd program.

i sent the requisite forms and eagerly set about resuming life as a student.  that is, though i wasn’t at the time a student, i pretended it was merely an extended summer vacation at the end of which, i would return to a brand new school.  during this time, i attended 2 beautiful weddings of close friends, spent 7 extraordinary weeks backpacking europe, and 5 mundane days in nova scotia visiting the rental units.  just prior to leaving for europe, my school sent a reading list which, in retrospect, i should have considered a warning about what to expect in september.

it didn’t hit me until sitting on the blue line train from the airport to downtown chicago, that i was moving there. that i could barely understand the thick vernacular of the other passengers, struck me as ironic since having just returned from my travel experiences where english is always accented in some way.   when i was given advice to avoid certain areas, i remained confident, if not stubborn, that i could handle my own.  although, when the university administrators seemed to stress the mental health stuff…it all sounded like fear-mongering.

huff – i’m not finishing this.  it’s already the 5th and i need to move on.

to say the least, i need to learn to write more concisely, quickly, and frequently.

also, i’m really not looking forward to 2008 ~ bah.

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