September 1, 2008

The following post is written in response to a curious blog reader of the post, “interracial approach to asian women” found on this very same blog: ignorance could have been bliss.
I opted for a separate posting since, while many of the considerations are the same (e.g. thoughts re: the “stuff” of dating as it pertains to individuals in various inter- & intra- racial, cultural, and ethnic groups), gender can be a big deal [breaker] when it comes to interracially dating wherein one partner is “asian”.
Below, I try (to be brief, but detailed) about interracial approaches to dating asian men. But first, of course, I must direct readers to the same ol’ precautions.
I would also like to add that, unlike my broader and generalized approach about asian women (AW) based on my frequent communication with members belonging to this group in and from various part of world, what I write here is mostly based on my interactions with asian men (AM) in North America – specifically, across Canada, New York City, and Chicago. I suspect however, that parallels could be drawn between California and Toronto…but that’s another story.
And finally, (my last precursor, I promise!), I’ve cut & pasted in the comments (in italics) from the reader I mentioned above in order to maintain a sort of dialogue. Talk with us!
Back to the topic:
I do realize with the worship of whiteness, many non-whites would choose a white over a black, never giving a black person a chance, even if the black person is decent and law-abiding, and has high morals.
By “person”, and in reference to the question, the comment suggests some “good” BW may be being overlooked. Yes, I tend to think that AM are much less likely to have an interest in BW. There are certainly many speculative reasons as to reasons why. I hash out a few below, of which I think they work in concert to the effect of an uneven interest among AM to BW. BUT! I really do believe this begin way BEFORE the BW – good or bad – ever enters the mind of AM.


BM are:
… sexualized/machoified (haha – I made that up!, you know, tough, thug, “bad boy”, hyper-masculinization, etc., e.g. stereotypes of large, strong body parts, protection). Yes, I know BM are also de-sexualized too (e.g. stereotypes of disease, downlow, etc.), but follow me with this one…

AM are (in contrast to BM):
… asexualized/feminized (e.g. stereotypes of small, skinny, weak body parts) and this is internalized as low self-confidence (e.g. ‘I can’t get a BW’ that they assume would want what is “natural” (e.g. intraracial dating) and socially“desirable”(e.g. macho men).


distinct stereotypes about BW (e.g. strong, angry, loud, etc.) and AW (e.g. pleasers, quiet, subservient, “natural” as an intraracial partner for AM, etc.)

then, squish’em all together:
Without ever really consciously thinking about any of the above, the AM is often convinced they are ‘just not attracted to black women’.

Interestingly revealing however, is that the discourse that AM have about AW dating interracially. In contrast to the saying amongst BW in reference interracial dating amongst BM, along the lines of “there’s no/so few good black men”, I have known many AM to say things like, “we didn’t want her anyways” or “they (men of other race) get our garbage”. In a very sour grapes way, the AM exudes their discomfort and low-confidence around dating dynamics.

Of course, there are those AM that see past all of the squish (e.g. a few of my male friends and my brother date women of any race, culture, ethnicity). I call them the AM ALL-AROUNDERS in a post to follow…



  1. Ann Says:

    just.ness, thanks so much for replying to my questions. I am aware of the denigration of black women by America, as well as the denigration of Asian males as being “effeminate”.

    Don’t see how anyone can come to such a conclusion (I for one have considered Asian males very handsome and virile….Toshiro Mifune will do that to you 😉

    But, this is a ploy by white males to render Black/Asian/Latino, etc., men as threats, emasculated, unmanly and asexual to make them less desirable not only in the eyes of white women, and Asian women, but black and other women as well.

    If anything, black women and Asian men have MORE in common than many other racial/ethnic groups in America.

    And they should act on that.

    Thanks again for your response.

  2. Ann Says:

    Another thing in your post:

    “I have known many AM to say things like, “we didn’t want her anyways” or “they (men of other race) get our garbage”. In a very sour grapes way, the AM exudes their discomfort and low-confidence around dating dynamics.”


    I have read/heard the opposite from BM.

    When some BM see a black woman with a white or other man, their response is often the following:

    “Oh, there goes another one (we lost). The white man (other men) always get the very best of our race.”

    I questioned why so few AM were with BW.

    It is not as if we are not human, and I will agree with one very well-known Chinese American writer, that when it comes to the “foreign devils”, Asians would rather chose the “white devils” aver the “black devils”.

  3. Ann Says:



    That was supposed to read “over”, not “aver”.

  4. Aoki Love Says:

    I totally agree, Personally as a black woman i find asian men very sex and as long as you have confidence then you are the guy for me. ironically i also wrote about this topic on my blog so if you care to read another opinion just check me out at

  5. Jason_Chaotic Says:

    If you’re matchmaking stereotype specimens then obviously they clash against each other in very obvious ways. AM don’t go out with BW not based on a feeling of inferiority, as most negative stereotypes fabricated are by WM’s who have no other ammo besides manhood to rip on AM’s with (and no creativity, either) but most AM are attracted to demure or feminine characteristics…at least the FOBBY ones are. I’m Asian/white, US born and I’ve dated black over whitegurls before in fact you might say I naturally prefer them if you wanna get all hierarchical…and the black girls I did go out with weren’t very loud or confrontational but they didn’t act like they were white either which was what I dug about them…they were comfortable in their own skin and didn’t have an identity crisis.

  6. just.ness Says:

    thanks for your comments Jason.
    you sound a lot like my favorite AM – my brother.
    but really, why DO fobby dudes like “demure or feminine” dudettes?

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