she’s not outta your league

November 25, 2011

You’re a 7 and she’s a 9.5. Objectively, subjectively, how ever which way you look at it, she’s outta your league.
WRONG. (I’ll get to why and how later. Patience, pal.)
So you aim lower, at her homely-looking gal pal (they rarely travel in pairs of equal beauty – even by different measures). She’s a 6.5, maybe 6 in daylight. Sure fire right?
WRONG. (Wait for it.)
If you’re lucky, homely-girl gives you silent treatment and just pretends with a shoulder shrug that she doesn’t speak english or any language for that matter. Or maybe she gives you constipated, cut-eye – you know, it’s supposed to look mean, but she looks like an idiot. Occasionally you’ll run into an HG that’s verbally violent: “F-you, you F’n A-hole. Get out of my F’n face!”, or is a douchey diva: “Buy me and my friend drinks, then maybe we can talk.” Worse, the HG that thinks she’s slick: Ms. Chatty smile-side-step-siddles you to the bar, orders drinks for her hotter guy and girl friends, and then leaves you with the tab.

Outwardly, you’re thinking: ‘What a bitch! She’s SO a 5″
Inwardly, you gotta ask your self: “Maybe I’m not really a 7. Am I the 5?”

Dude. Here I have to tell you: STOP.
You’re wasting your time with mid-range chicks. I’m not saying they’re right, but think about how you’d feel consistently and constantly being the “affordable option”. Even the sale-priced floor model was once ogled. HG is the everyday option for dudes ranking 1-10. She’s heard every lame line…

… that WILL work on the 9-10s. You don’t believe me? Fine.
Maybe? Right. This is the deal. Males waste their time on the ladies within reach, or so they perceive. Meanwhile, Miss. Hotness/Beautiful inside and out/Sweetlady goes home nary a moment of eye-contact from the opposite sex, save the douche-bag who’s actually a 6 and thinks he’s a 10.

You’ve heard it before and it’s true. Poor-lil’-pretty-girl, no one wants her. How’d Mr. 5 get Mrs. 8? Must be his fat wallet. WRONG. Stop submitting your bruised ego to the average chick who will bash it due to what she doesn’t want to admit to anyone, let alone herself. Be wiser. Be nice to the 10 and welcome to the big leagues.


stupid “smart” men

February 8, 2010

“I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing” – socrates
it took me a long time to get over my biggest pet peeve about online dating. a lot of introspection, guilt, rewinding, and confusion.
you see, i like to think that intelligence comes from various sources and can be measured in numerous ways. just because i have two masters degrees doesn’t mean i’m inherently more intelligent than someone who didn’t finish high school (case study: my dad completed only 3d grade and one of my favourite wise persons). my masters mean something, some where, and to me. and to you, mr. online dater, it may mean something entirely different.
so you lie and click the “masters degree” box in your profile.
i tried to understand, in this world of class, gender, and race relations why you would. why women play “dumb”. why “graduate degree” means something very different than “professional degree”, in different countries… in the end, it doesn’t matter to me on a personal level*.

you’re so “stupid” to lie that you’re “smart”. it’s all too apparent in conversation. whereas body shape may be subjective (e.g. average/thin/fat/normal/tall/short), you clearly embraced an objective measure (e.g. 6’2″/post-grad degree/car) for yourself. in what dream land did you earn your masters degree? at the same time, you devalue and insult those who strive toward whatever that objective measure means to her/him.
save us all some time and manage expectations. if you can critically converse, in the manner of some one who may have pursued a masters degree, then tell me and provide a great explanation why you think “that box” is a sham. fine, i may agree.
but being “smart” will reveal you as stupid if you want to lie about it.

* on a societal level, women! what do you think you’re getting out of pretending to be stupid? and really, i know, poor guys have gendered expectations. be a (wo)man about it.

the truth is that disclosing herpes in dating, is not the deal-breaker.

sorry dude, it’s you.

or rather, it may be a major consideration in having sex when dating. and i thank you for bringing it up before we got down to it. or before you thought that we might get frisky. like i had mentioned before, i think that is tres responsible of you and i appreciate the warning.

when it comes down to it, though, my decision not to go there with you – to embark on a relationship (including sex) has little to do with herpes.

herpes is just a sympton of much larger reasons why a person chooses to have a relationship or not. since herpes is permanent and/or irritating, these things of course play a part in the decision to have a possibly permanent and/or irritating relationship. the “and/or” is key here:

as it is

pain = physical, emotional, social, sexual, mental, etc. related to having herpes.

I was thinking of doing another chart, but the point is: I don’t want to join you and your red dots, that will last longer than I can foresee a relationship with you. And that is exactly my point:

herpes outlasts relationships.

as sure as one can be about the potential of a long-term relationship and be willing to share this sexually transmitted infection, you can bet your bottom dollar that herpes lasts longer than good intentions. and even if you stay together forever and ever, at best, herpes will be an occasional pain throughout forever and ever, together (fine).

personally, i’m not ready to do permanent with you. i believe that i knew before you told me about the herpes, and it forced me assess my likeliness to want to endure much more than the present with you. it’s not you, it’s me (sorry, had to!).

on a related note: now i feel better about not thinking that i was judging you on your herpes situation. this is about the non-potential of us, from me and my own situation.

herpes in dating

January 10, 2010

“i hope you appreciate my predicament,” he said after telling me his herpes story.
i do.

he was gifted with herpes in the last months of a marriage to a woman that he “married for sex”, which was negotiated as an “open relationship” on the conditions of being truthful and safe. apparently the deal was one-sided, since he found out he had herpes just after the divorce and never actually had sex outside the marriage. tragic timing since he was looking forward to sexual escapades to be had.
‘how unfortunate’, i thought. sucker for sex took all the right steps and learned a lesson that will stay with him. however responsible he is in telling me though, i’m still more responsible and was not married to a hussy.

i don’t have herpes.
he says, “there’s other options to have safe sex. please do some research.” and i do.

no kidding, the first thing i find is a story about a man who lost a court case after being paralyzed by herpes. ha! i want to send him the link to the story to share a laugh, but think twice of it. he’s already feeling vulnerable enough being smitten with a chick who he recognizes holds the cards and has just divulged a major dating deal-breaker.

how ever responsible and open i am, and he was while in his marriage, this is what the normal person needs to consider:

– after being infected with herpes, it never goes away. thereafter, anyone with whom you have sexual activity with is at risk of getting it too. condoms help, but don’t provide 100% protection. “sexual activity” does NOT just mean vanilla sex (e.g. heterosexual penis-in-vagina).

actually, rather than write a paper or anything like that here. i’ll just post some good genital herpes resources below.

Sexuality and U – Canadian site that is well maintained and has lots of info for different audiences. Link for genital herpes: Not much here for talking about it during dating. – Article on dating with herpes:

anyhow, that’s all for now. i feel sorry for the guy and some sort of odd admiration for the civility he has with his ex-wife. i know that he didn’t have to tell me, and that it was hard, but… well, how unfortunate.

The following post is written in response to a curious blog reader of the post, “interracial approach to asian women” found on this very same blog: ignorance could have been bliss.
I opted for a separate posting since, while many of the considerations are the same (e.g. thoughts re: the “stuff” of dating as it pertains to individuals in various inter- & intra- racial, cultural, and ethnic groups), gender can be a big deal [breaker] when it comes to interracially dating wherein one partner is “asian”.
Below, I try (to be brief, but detailed) about interracial approaches to dating asian men. But first, of course, I must direct readers to the same ol’ precautions.
I would also like to add that, unlike my broader and generalized approach about asian women (AW) based on my frequent communication with members belonging to this group in and from various part of world, what I write here is mostly based on my interactions with asian men (AM) in North America – specifically, across Canada, New York City, and Chicago. I suspect however, that parallels could be drawn between California and Toronto…but that’s another story.
And finally, (my last precursor, I promise!), I’ve cut & pasted in the comments (in italics) from the reader I mentioned above in order to maintain a sort of dialogue. Talk with us!
Back to the topic:
I do realize with the worship of whiteness, many non-whites would choose a white over a black, never giving a black person a chance, even if the black person is decent and law-abiding, and has high morals.
By “person”, and in reference to the question, the comment suggests some “good” BW may be being overlooked. Yes, I tend to think that AM are much less likely to have an interest in BW. There are certainly many speculative reasons as to reasons why. I hash out a few below, of which I think they work in concert to the effect of an uneven interest among AM to BW. BUT! I really do believe this begin way BEFORE the BW – good or bad – ever enters the mind of AM.


BM are:
… sexualized/machoified (haha – I made that up!, you know, tough, thug, “bad boy”, hyper-masculinization, etc., e.g. stereotypes of large, strong body parts, protection). Yes, I know BM are also de-sexualized too (e.g. stereotypes of disease, downlow, etc.), but follow me with this one…

AM are (in contrast to BM):
… asexualized/feminized (e.g. stereotypes of small, skinny, weak body parts) and this is internalized as low self-confidence (e.g. ‘I can’t get a BW’ that they assume would want what is “natural” (e.g. intraracial dating) and socially“desirable”(e.g. macho men).


distinct stereotypes about BW (e.g. strong, angry, loud, etc.) and AW (e.g. pleasers, quiet, subservient, “natural” as an intraracial partner for AM, etc.)

then, squish’em all together:
Without ever really consciously thinking about any of the above, the AM is often convinced they are ‘just not attracted to black women’.

Interestingly revealing however, is that the discourse that AM have about AW dating interracially. In contrast to the saying amongst BW in reference interracial dating amongst BM, along the lines of “there’s no/so few good black men”, I have known many AM to say things like, “we didn’t want her anyways” or “they (men of other race) get our garbage”. In a very sour grapes way, the AM exudes their discomfort and low-confidence around dating dynamics.

Of course, there are those AM that see past all of the squish (e.g. a few of my male friends and my brother date women of any race, culture, ethnicity). I call them the AM ALL-AROUNDERS in a post to follow…

drunk ([e]’n) dating

June 14, 2008

we don’t (necessarily) drink on our dates, but i’m drunk with him.

i realized the second morning that i’d woken up with him, looked in his eyes, and felt as though i had been drinking the night before. turns out he felt the same way – a rush of quickened, blurry, blissful moments the days and nights before: sporadic jumps into the cold lake, long hot walks through a flat city, wine, mussy hair, multiply tangental convos, travel tales, planning, our first “comfortable silence” when both of us wondered if the other was comfortable…

halt. symptoms of addiction. of course, upon my first ‘withdrawal’ today. i realized i didn’t want to do the things we’d planned for the evening if he couldn’t, which he couldn’t – understandably and responsibly, so. i’d been feeling the creeping of my own romantic evasion of responsibility too, but i didn’t care just yet. not too too much.

despite not really wanting to go out, being tired, and feeling guilty about work, i went out anyhow. i felt like i had to; to reassert my independence (or test/prepare my wall). in that moment of recognition, of wanting to stay home, i began to worry about being caught up. but it’s gone now, because the truth is, i actually wanted to stay home with or without him anyhow. still, had fun out with the peeps without him. phew, my fears of “falling” are premature.

dull dating

April 24, 2008

i wouldn’t call it damning, but dating is dull. it’s so processual if (and if not) pointless.

sure sure, one does get to meet new people, do ‘fun things’ together, etc. but who cares when 9 times out of 10, i’d rather be home with a book, at the gym, or out with my friends? then there’s the period before y’all figure out that you are both on different pages (s/he wants to be serious, but s/he doesn’t).

up until recently, i thought i’d just date with an “open mind”, so as not to close the door to something serious. but now, i just think it’s a waste of my time, and the potential others’.

sounds cynical, i suppose. but it comes from a warm place, i swear. i’d rather his emotions not gush (it makes me feel guilty). presumptious? yes.

and when the fearful time comes, when i no longer have “it”, let me weep in my own misery. i’ve decided not to date now just to appease those worries.