dragon lady extinguished

January 13, 2008

having been faded-out, i can only describe my current feelings as disappointment*.

still, i keep thinking that as long as i take the time to reflect on the whole crush-let-down situation, it is a learning experience. 

i know that i must sound like a complete corn-ball – an optimistic baffoon. but i assure you that i have been accused of worse. or rather, in real life – amongst my friends, exes, and family – i am known as the complete opposite. over the long haul, in admiration and in spite, they have told me that i come off as a hard, cynical, dragon lady (a la lucy lui on alley mcbeal).

oddly enough, while they claim to know the real me as a loyal “softie”, i can tell by our conversations about relationships that they think perceive me as having no feelings, being a heart-breaker, and someone who’s been f*cking the world of pretty boys. when i asked where they’d get such an impression, they said, “we just assumed, you know, since you can?!”

the truth is, having been told this for sometime, i began to wonder about certain trends.

indeed, i’d often been accused of being the male in relationships; taking a ‘whatever’ attitude, rarely calling, void of mushiness, and leaving whenever things got (even slightly) difficult. no, i’d never had my heartbroken (save one time, which really is too much to explain here). as for screwing the world, what i used to think were traditional thoughts on the matter of sleeping around, i’ve come to realize are tied to fear of becoming too attached. in all, i allowed unconsciously, yet strategically, persued safe distractions (e.g. work, friends, activities) to avoid getting hurt.  i keep thinking of that saying that goes something like: “careful of love, you’ll lose your head”. 

i suppose that during the better part of last year i have been doing sorts of social experiments on myself in pushing limits of feelings and delving into uncomfortable situations. on a professional level, this includes moving another country where i know no one, to attend a school that’s highly esteemed – it’s currently rocking my socks. in leisure, i backpacked europe mostly by myself and learned to dine, travel, entertain myself, all by my lonesome – i’ve found i get lonely after about 3 weeks, but i’m ok alone.

in love. well, i wouldn’t call my current situation love at all, rather, a serious investment of my romantic feelings for another person. anyhow, it sucks. still, i’m conscious considering that i must not pile up the bricks around my hole and resume my old habits to avoid hurt.

this lesson, i suppose is long overdue.  but, if like the others i’ve learned recently, i will come out of this stronger**.

* disappointment – nothing as superficial as “well, at least it was just a short period of pain”. rather, in him, for not speaking with me about the whole sitch, and in myself, for dwelling much too much on the whole situation.

** stronger – in keeping with my cynical nature though, i do wonder what this strength i’m compiling will amount to.  have i been preparing (independence) to be alone?