stupid “smart” men

February 8, 2010

“I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing” – socrates
it took me a long time to get over my biggest pet peeve about online dating. a lot of introspection, guilt, rewinding, and confusion.
you see, i like to think that intelligence comes from various sources and can be measured in numerous ways. just because i have two masters degrees doesn’t mean i’m inherently more intelligent than someone who didn’t finish high school (case study: my dad completed only 3d grade and one of my favourite wise persons). my masters mean something, some where, and to me. and to you, mr. online dater, it may mean something entirely different.
so you lie and click the “masters degree” box in your profile.
i tried to understand, in this world of class, gender, and race relations why you would. why women play “dumb”. why “graduate degree” means something very different than “professional degree”, in different countries… in the end, it doesn’t matter to me on a personal level*.

you’re so “stupid” to lie that you’re “smart”. it’s all too apparent in conversation. whereas body shape may be subjective (e.g. average/thin/fat/normal/tall/short), you clearly embraced an objective measure (e.g. 6’2″/post-grad degree/car) for yourself. in what dream land did you earn your masters degree? at the same time, you devalue and insult those who strive toward whatever that objective measure means to her/him.
save us all some time and manage expectations. if you can critically converse, in the manner of some one who may have pursued a masters degree, then tell me and provide a great explanation why you think “that box” is a sham. fine, i may agree.
but being “smart” will reveal you as stupid if you want to lie about it.

* on a societal level, women! what do you think you’re getting out of pretending to be stupid? and really, i know, poor guys have gendered expectations. be a (wo)man about it.

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the truth is that disclosing herpes in dating, is not the deal-breaker.

sorry dude, it’s you.

or rather, it may be a major consideration in having sex when dating. and i thank you for bringing it up before we got down to it. or before you thought that we might get frisky. like i had mentioned before, i think that is tres responsible of you and i appreciate the warning.

when it comes down to it, though, my decision not to go there with you – to embark on a relationship (including sex) has little to do with herpes.

herpes is just a sympton of much larger reasons why a person chooses to have a relationship or not. since herpes is permanent and/or irritating, these things of course play a part in the decision to have a possibly permanent and/or irritating relationship. the “and/or” is key here:

as it is

pain = physical, emotional, social, sexual, mental, etc. related to having herpes.

I was thinking of doing another chart, but the point is: I don’t want to join you and your red dots, that will last longer than I can foresee a relationship with you. And that is exactly my point:

herpes outlasts relationships.

as sure as one can be about the potential of a long-term relationship and be willing to share this sexually transmitted infection, you can bet your bottom dollar that herpes lasts longer than good intentions. and even if you stay together forever and ever, at best, herpes will be an occasional pain throughout forever and ever, together (fine).

personally, i’m not ready to do permanent with you. i believe that i knew before you told me about the herpes, and it forced me assess my likeliness to want to endure much more than the present with you. it’s not you, it’s me (sorry, had to!).

on a related note: now i feel better about not thinking that i was judging you on your herpes situation. this is about the non-potential of us, from me and my own situation.

herpes in dating

January 10, 2010

“i hope you appreciate my predicament,” he said after telling me his herpes story.
i do.

he was gifted with herpes in the last months of a marriage to a woman that he “married for sex”, which was negotiated as an “open relationship” on the conditions of being truthful and safe. apparently the deal was one-sided, since he found out he had herpes just after the divorce and never actually had sex outside the marriage. tragic timing since he was looking forward to sexual escapades to be had.
‘how unfortunate’, i thought. sucker for sex took all the right steps and learned a lesson that will stay with him. however responsible he is in telling me though, i’m still more responsible and was not married to a hussy.

i don’t have herpes.
he says, “there’s other options to have safe sex. please do some research.” and i do.

no kidding, the first thing i find is a story about a man who lost a court case after being paralyzed by herpes. ha! i want to send him the link to the story to share a laugh, but think twice of it. he’s already feeling vulnerable enough being smitten with a chick who he recognizes holds the cards and has just divulged a major dating deal-breaker.

how ever responsible and open i am, and he was while in his marriage, this is what the normal person needs to consider:

– after being infected with herpes, it never goes away. thereafter, anyone with whom you have sexual activity with is at risk of getting it too. condoms help, but don’t provide 100% protection. “sexual activity” does NOT just mean vanilla sex (e.g. heterosexual penis-in-vagina).

actually, rather than write a paper or anything like that here. i’ll just post some good genital herpes resources below.

Sexuality and U – Canadian site that is well maintained and has lots of info for different audiences. Link for genital herpes: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/sti-1-3.aspx. Not much here for talking about it during dating.

HerpesOnline.org – Article on dating with herpes: http://www.herpesonline.org/articles/herpes_dating_info.html.

anyhow, that’s all for now. i feel sorry for the guy and some sort of odd admiration for the civility he has with his ex-wife. i know that he didn’t have to tell me, and that it was hard, but… well, how unfortunate.